There's something about being a young bachelor and frozen pizza that go hand-in-hand. If you're under the age of 30, a male, unmarried and have no one to cook for other than yourself, odds are, you probably eat frozen pizzas on a semi-regular basis (semi meaning at least once a week, maybe twice if it's cold outside). In my book, frozen pizzas are right up there with dogs as man's best friend, maybe even better because you don't have to feed them; they feed you. They're convenient, quick and great for any occasion, except, when they betray you. Tonight, I was betrayed by my frozen pizza.
Like most people, not just single guys, I don't like doing dishes, so I do anything I can to alleviate the number of dishes I do. When I make a frozen pizza, this involves one key thing: Placing aluminum foil between the pizza and the pizza pan so there's no pan to wash after the pizza is done. The foil protects the pan from the pizza crumbs and cheese, and you can just slip it back into the cabinet; it's a great concept if you haven't tried it. Anyway, this time, I was COMPLETELY out of aluminum foil, so I decided to try using the next best thing: a wax paper baking sheet.
Except here's the thing; a wax paper baking sheet wasn't the next best thing.
You see, I feel like there's a little bit of misleading information in the term, "wax paper baking sheet." One, because wax tends to melt when it gets hot, and two, because baking involves heat. Heat and wax don't mix, so why are there wax baking sheets? Heck if I know, but I know I won't be using them again anytime soon because this happened:
I ate an entire sheet of wax paper. Literally, an entire sheet. How did this happen, you might ask. Well, let me tell you. I forgot that I had put the wax paper under my frozen pizza when I put it in the oven to bake at 400 degrees for 17 minutes, and apparently, the wax paper baked into the crust, because that's what happens when wax gets to 400 degrees; it melts. I didn't even notice or remember I'd put wax paper under it until I'd gotten to my last slice when I pulled a sliver of the paper out of my mouth because I noticed I was chewing on something that wasn't pizza. That's how it happened. That's how I ate an entire sheet of wax paper in one sitting.
I don't really understand how this happened. I've seen my mom use baking sheets hundreds of times, for cookies, bread and all sorts of stuff, so I don't know why my baking sheets melt and hers don't. Technically, I don't really know anything about baking or cooking, and I don't really have a 'Cliff Note' or a moral to this situation or story either, other than this: If you're under the age of 30, a male, unmarried and have no one else to cook for, and you like frozen pizzas, save time on dishes by putting something between your pizza and your pizza pan, but whatever you do, don't make that something wax paper. Otherwise, you'll eat, and you won't even know it until it's too late.
Cheers.
-Cliff
Cliff's Note: Wax melts when heated. Don't heat it, or you'll eat it.