How Do We Become Who We Become?

Do you ever have those moments when you step back, take a look at yourself and what you're doing in real time, and think, "How did I get like this?"

These are moments when you might look at your (insert age here) old self and remember your younger self and think, "What would past me think of present me right now?" Would he/she like it? Would he/she hate it? What advice would he/she have to present me to either encourage or discourage what life now is? 

I've been having these thoughts and asking these questions a lot lately. I've been scrolling through all the old photos (with all the old hairstyles) I have stored up on my phone and on my computer from early post-college, college and high school looking for that certain photo that really shows an older, different looking me. I've read a few old journals I've written in trying to figure out where the good (and bad) changes have happened. I've sat down and looked back on some really important, but really terrible moments in my life that I'm ashamed of and guilty of and walked through those moments on the ground level, retracing each instant and wishing present me was there to tell past me to stop what I'm doing. I've done all these things, and I still can't seem to understand "how I got like this."

How did a 12-year-old baseball fanatic turn into a high-school swimmer who loves screamo-music and skinny jeans that turned into and a cowboy college mascot? How did a guy who once desired and felt (feels?) called to work in Christian ministry end up struggling even to hold on to an ounce of faith and thought about leaving the Church all together?

How do we become who we become, with all the dreams and desires and with all the sins and failures that make up a person? We change so much, especially in our younger years; it's amazing. Looking back, I know that the younger me never would've thought older me would be what I am today. I wouldn't have dreamed of the cool experiences that I've gotten to have, but i also wouldn't believe the sins and the issues in life that I've struggled with and the mistakes I've made. 

It's amazing what a human life is capable of. We go from an innocent, new born baby, capable of doing no harm, to a decision making, full-of-life adult capable of solving the world's greatest problems or causing the world great harm. It all happens so quickly, and we don't even realize it, and the things that shape us into who we are and what routes we choose vary. We all make good choices, and we all make bad choices; it's part of being human, and frankly, becoming human is part of being human. So, how do we become who we become or how can we fix who we've become? I don't think there's an exact answer or formula. I think there's only Grace. 

-Cliff

Cliff's Note: Thank God for grace.

Pick Axes & Six Year Olds

Today, I watched a 6-year-old use a pick axe while wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas.

It was a site to see, and quite frankly, it terrified me. He wasn't super successful at using it, obviously (because he's six); however, there was still something about just watching him pick it up and try to use it that made it seem successful. In his eyes, he was successful, simply because he picked it up and used it. He lifted it up off the ground, gave it an awkward *this is too heavy for me* swing and struck the rocky ground that was in front of him. Honestly, he looked exactly like one of the dwarfs from Snow White, tool in hand and all. His eyes beamed with success as he looked at me for approval, proving to me that he could do what I do. I couldn't help but smile and give him a word of encouragement (which, I'm not sure was the best idea because he proceeded to use the pick axe, and I'm not sure if his parents would have like that. This is why I don't babysit kids). 

Later on, his dad found out what he had been doing, and he responded with, "That's no problem. He's a go getter." How about that? I might've freaked out if it were my kid. After all, it freaked me out enough watching it, and he wasn't even my kid to freak out over. This dad wasn't worried. He was just proud of his son for going after something new and giving it his best effort, even if that something new weighed just as much as his son and was taller than him. He was just proud that his son went after something new with zeal and confidence.

Sometimes, I wonder how much our Heavenly Father sees us in the same light. He demonstrates something for us, whether it's His love, His mercy or His Grace, something obviously beyond our ability to carry, and He watches us try to display it. He sees us pick it up, give it a swing, fail miserably and look to Him for assurance. He sees us try display His grace toward others, but being humans, we fall short but look to Him for assurance and direction, and He smiles back at us because we are pursuing Him and the attributes of Him. We won't always get it right or be successful, but He's still a proud Father because His sons and daughters have pursued Him with zeal and confidence, imitating Him.  

Whether it's swinging a pick axe at age six or learning to forgive those who let us down, some things are harder to do than others and heavier to lift than others. Regardless, when we try and fail, look up. You'll find assurance, encouragement and the grace to keep trying. 

-Cliff

Cliff's Note: Be careful when you let kids who aren't your kids swing pick axes. 

What's Your 'Scarlet Letter?'

I wear a maroon hat with the letter 'A' on it. I tell people that it stands for Austin, my name, like Alvin does on Alvin and the Chipmunks, but the more I think about it, maybe that scarlet A is one of my scarlet letters.

In high school, we were required to read the book, "The Scarlet Letter." It's a book many people have read, as it's required by a lot of schools' English classes. If you haven't read it, I'll give you a super short Cliff Notes (ha, see what I did there) version of it: Essentially, a girl is forced to where a scarlet letter 'A' on her chest as a form of punishment so everyone knows she's an adulterer. 

After we read this book in class, as a project, we were told to create a letter for ourselves to wear around our own necks, in order to empathize and relate to the main character. There were lots of letter L's for lying, G's for gossip and S's for stealing. Most of the letters stood for pretty drama-free adjectives, and I, personally, rocked the letter L, myself for 'lust'. It was a really great, humbling class project, but now that I think about it, I feel like I should've worn more than one letter. I feel like I should've been wearing the whole alphabet. 

Do you ever have those days when you're completely floored by just how messed up and in need of grace you are as a person? Today was one of those days for me; I felt like I deserved to wear every letter of the alphabet around my chest just to symbolize how broken I really am. It never fails; Anytime I'm feeling even a little bit self-absorbed, I do something to remind myself that I'm not as 'good' as I think I am. It's humbling.

There's something about being so messed up that you have to be completely dependent on Divine grace to cover your screwups that makes grace overwhelming sometimes. Just knowing how messed up I am (and how messed up the world is), and that there is Someone who has already paid the costs of those mistakes is enough to make me sit down and bury my hands in my face and sob like a new born baby. It's that humbling to me.

I hope it is to you too. 

Anytime you have one of those days when you're really feeling the weight of your sin and it feels like every letter of the alphabet, A-Z, is strapped around your neck weighing you down, remember that you're not the one having to carry those sins. If you believe Jesus Christ is Who He said He is, then you must also believe He has already freed you from those letters around your neck. Remember on the days that you're feeling the weight of your sin, the weight of His grace is greater.

-Cliff

Cliff's Note: Grace is an ocean- sink in it.